Pandora’s box has been opened.....

So after talking to my line sisters....I had decided to let the pursuit of a relationship with my biological family go. They had told me all I needed to know about “my family” and I was under the impression that maybe things were better as they have been.  Fully aware that I may never meet them I prayed for peace over the situation and decided to put it to rest. But, then I logged on Facebook....

For the past year, I have been notorious for breaking my iPhone... no soon after my Sorority sisters and I returned from our trip(If you’re lost go back to previous posts)...my iPhone was broke once again. So, because I am totally addicted to social media I was having withdrawals and need to get a fix. I pulled out my laptop and logged into Facebook. I had a couple of notifications and one message in my inbox.

The message was from a lifelong friend who I went to summer camp with for several years as a child. I had graduated from high school with his younger brother, shared several mutual friends, and attended several parties and social events with throughout the majority of my life. I had dated a few of friends in my teenage years, but we never had an inclination of a relationship besides being friends. And although we grew up together, we weren’t close associates, but if we bumped into each other at the mall we would exchange general greetings and maybe, depending on our moods, a hug.

It had been several years since I had seen my friend so to have a Facebook posts from him was quite odd.  I opened it curious of what we could possibly have to talk about and the message simply said, “Hey, do you need to talk to me about something?”

Confused and completely oblivious to the conversations about to take place I laughed to myself assuming he was a loony toon and wrote back, “No, did you write the wrong person?”

Still only slightly interested in this conversation, I immediately started browsing through statuses and pictures not giving much thought to the awkward and very random message my friend had sent me.  Then for some reason, my mind began to wander and I started to think about the situation with my biological father. No, my friend did not share the same last name as my “father,” but for some reason that’s the first thing that popped in my head.  It had been roughly two weeks since the trip with my sisters and I hadn’t heard anything with them about talking to anyone. I immediately picked up my phone to call my sorority sister and then I remembered my phone was broke. So, I messaged her on Facebook and asked, “Did you ever talk to anybody about my daddy situation? I just got this weird message from my childhood friend and I just was wondering if there was a connection.”

I checked back at the message from my friend and he had written me back and said, “Nevermind, I have the wrong person.” I simply replied, “Okay.”

A few minutes later my sorority sister replied back in all capital letters, “YES! I talked to my friend.”

So....I wrote my childhood friend back, “Are you talking about my daddy situation?”

At this point, I’m thinking my childhood friend is really my cousin and how weird is it that we’ve known each other all our lives and never knew we were related.

He replied, “Yes, my cousin told me about you. You don’t have to talk about it if you don’t want to...he’s already told me your story.”

Uneasy about a complete stranger telling “my story” I typed as fast as I could an abbreviated version of my life story.  The instant I pushed send....a message from my sorority sister popped up.

“The boy’s name is ______. He is your brother. You need to talk to him.”

I screamed....literally screamed out loud!!!!! That’s my childhood friend....he’s not a cousin....he’s my brother!!!!????!!!!!

A million emotions ran through my head....I was confused, happy, scared, and excited all at the same time. I immediately prayed and thanked God, but also asked for protection.

I wrote my childhood friend/brother and said, “WTH! She just told me you were my brother????”

He replied, “Yes, that’s my daddy.”

Astonishment does not justly describe the thoughts of that moment. I was in awe, shocked, and most of all felt like I finally had found a piece, one big piece to my puzzle. We exchanged numbers and he told me he would call me the next day because at this point it was pretty late.

Whether I fully knew what I had gotten myself into or not....I had done it....Pandora’s box had been open...and all the hurts, happiness, disappointments, and victories that came with it would soon be revealed........

It’s in HIS hands

Im going to go slightly out of order with this post right now because I’ve spent the last few days just reflecting on everything that has led me to this point in life....on the brink of cultivating a life-long relationship with my newfound siblings....I can’t help, but to think of God’s timing. Why now? Why these people? What about now says I’m ready or their ready, but before they weren’t ready?

The saying is so true that says God does things in his own way, in his own time....has he kept the secret about my family from me for all this time because he was trying to keep me from something that was going to harm me? Have I beaten down a door that was meant to be closed?

Insecurity...fear....uncertainty....flood my thoughts....all in the midst of joy...happiness...excitement....literally I have had fluctuations of all of these emotions and yet....I still trust God.

My prayer daily is: Lord, as I stand on the edge of enlightenment on who I am and who my family is...guide each and every step. Clear my path from those that would hope to deter, distract, or delay me from unraveling the secrets of the past. Only allow me to see what you see fit and block anything in my path that may corrupt or alter the true vision you want me to see. Give me peace in my insecurities, give me strength in my weakness, and give me determination when handicaps confront me. And although I know you already are...just be everything I need....give me peace...give me peace...give me peace. And when my mind begins to put me in a horrible state of mind...remind me that it always has and always will be in your hands!!!!!!

The Black Sheep.....

Last year I had the pleasure of joining the absolute BEST, Sophisticated, Devastating, Intelligent, Illustrious Sorority ever founded!!!!! Through this newfound sisterhood I met several wonderful women. Not surprisingly, I found out pretty quickly that some of them knew my biological family because they attended the same church. Of course, they didn’t know my connection to this family, but I was aware of any and all things associated with my biological family.  I learned several years earlier how to navigate around my home city to avoid them as much as possible to avoid an unwelcomed and awkward encounter.

About a month ago, I and several of my sorority sisters went on a road trip to celebrate one of our sister’s upcoming nuptials. During the trip we had plenty of fun and recalled stories of our road into the sisterhood. One of my sisters shared her story about her discovery that her stepfather was actually her biological father. This was my window to divulge the details about my situation and I jumped right at the opportunity to share my story, which I didn’t share with many people at all. I literally can count on my fingers how many people know this family secret. Nevertheless, I was eager to share with my sisters my dilemma and let them know my inner turmoil.

Soon, I found out that they didn’t just “know of” my family, but two of them had a very intimate, personal relationship with many family members. A little nervous to have put out my story so hastily without thinking of the repercussions, I continued telling them my convoluted story until I got to what had been my end which was the message from “my uncle.”

Looking shocked and surprised they begin to explain to me that they had never even heard of my biological family. They had been to countless family gatherings and spent intimate holidays with my biological family....and NOTHING....not one mention of his name, not a picture, not a video...NOTHING.

I immediately  called my mother because I’m thinking she MUST have the wrong family....my mother sounded quite irritated and simply reiterated that she had the correct family and that she was certain that was his family.

I continued talking to my sisters, but I must admit I was feeling quite embarrassed and very unsure of my mother’s story. But, then I remembered I had the Facebook message from my uncle. They both had said they knew the family intimately and if I could pull up the message from him....then I would know if I had the right family or not.

I proceeded to pull up the message and click on “my uncle’s” picture....showed it to him....and in fact I DID have the right family! They were both shocked...who was this family secret...this black sheep...this shunned man that was no longer welcome at home???? Had they forgot about the story of the Prodigal Son?

We exchanged theories. My Sorority sisters confirmed that my family was considered the “upper crest” of the city for a very long time. They indeed had many political, religious, and corporate connections that could be bruised by such a scandal. So, this deepened my desire to keep my distance. I concluded that I was content with the idea that God must have kept us apart for a reason...hopefully he would reveal it to me one day....until then....I’ll just be sure not to ruffle any more feathers or reveal too many more skeletons in the closet...or even worse...let anyone know that I, like my father, was just another black sheep of the family....