It’s in HIS hands

Im going to go slightly out of order with this post right now because I’ve spent the last few days just reflecting on everything that has led me to this point in life....on the brink of cultivating a life-long relationship with my newfound siblings....I can’t help, but to think of God’s timing. Why now? Why these people? What about now says I’m ready or their ready, but before they weren’t ready?

The saying is so true that says God does things in his own way, in his own time....has he kept the secret about my family from me for all this time because he was trying to keep me from something that was going to harm me? Have I beaten down a door that was meant to be closed?

Insecurity...fear....uncertainty....flood my thoughts....all in the midst of joy...happiness...excitement....literally I have had fluctuations of all of these emotions and yet....I still trust God.

My prayer daily is: Lord, as I stand on the edge of enlightenment on who I am and who my family is...guide each and every step. Clear my path from those that would hope to deter, distract, or delay me from unraveling the secrets of the past. Only allow me to see what you see fit and block anything in my path that may corrupt or alter the true vision you want me to see. Give me peace in my insecurities, give me strength in my weakness, and give me determination when handicaps confront me. And although I know you already are...just be everything I need....give me peace...give me peace...give me peace. And when my mind begins to put me in a horrible state of mind...remind me that it always has and always will be in your hands!!!!!!

The Black Sheep.....

Last year I had the pleasure of joining the absolute BEST, Sophisticated, Devastating, Intelligent, Illustrious Sorority ever founded!!!!! Through this newfound sisterhood I met several wonderful women. Not surprisingly, I found out pretty quickly that some of them knew my biological family because they attended the same church. Of course, they didn’t know my connection to this family, but I was aware of any and all things associated with my biological family.  I learned several years earlier how to navigate around my home city to avoid them as much as possible to avoid an unwelcomed and awkward encounter.

About a month ago, I and several of my sorority sisters went on a road trip to celebrate one of our sister’s upcoming nuptials. During the trip we had plenty of fun and recalled stories of our road into the sisterhood. One of my sisters shared her story about her discovery that her stepfather was actually her biological father. This was my window to divulge the details about my situation and I jumped right at the opportunity to share my story, which I didn’t share with many people at all. I literally can count on my fingers how many people know this family secret. Nevertheless, I was eager to share with my sisters my dilemma and let them know my inner turmoil.

Soon, I found out that they didn’t just “know of” my family, but two of them had a very intimate, personal relationship with many family members. A little nervous to have put out my story so hastily without thinking of the repercussions, I continued telling them my convoluted story until I got to what had been my end which was the message from “my uncle.”

Looking shocked and surprised they begin to explain to me that they had never even heard of my biological family. They had been to countless family gatherings and spent intimate holidays with my biological family....and NOTHING....not one mention of his name, not a picture, not a video...NOTHING.

I immediately  called my mother because I’m thinking she MUST have the wrong family....my mother sounded quite irritated and simply reiterated that she had the correct family and that she was certain that was his family.

I continued talking to my sisters, but I must admit I was feeling quite embarrassed and very unsure of my mother’s story. But, then I remembered I had the Facebook message from my uncle. They both had said they knew the family intimately and if I could pull up the message from him....then I would know if I had the right family or not.

I proceeded to pull up the message and click on “my uncle’s” picture....showed it to him....and in fact I DID have the right family! They were both shocked...who was this family secret...this black sheep...this shunned man that was no longer welcome at home???? Had they forgot about the story of the Prodigal Son?

We exchanged theories. My Sorority sisters confirmed that my family was considered the “upper crest” of the city for a very long time. They indeed had many political, religious, and corporate connections that could be bruised by such a scandal. So, this deepened my desire to keep my distance. I concluded that I was content with the idea that God must have kept us apart for a reason...hopefully he would reveal it to me one day....until then....I’ll just be sure not to ruffle any more feathers or reveal too many more skeletons in the closet...or even worse...let anyone know that I, like my father, was just another black sheep of the family....

Dear niece...or so I thought....

A year had passed and I was staring at my computer screen to a message from a man that had took the time out to write me several long paragraphs...before I even read the message...I thought...this is it...this man knows something....and well...he did...

His message began quite matter-of-factly with him confessing that he saw my message over a year ago and simply had ignored him. But, now a year later...curiosity had gotten the best of him. He went on to tell me that he needed some clarification from me before he could disclose any further information to me. He explained that in the past several people had tried to “maneuver” (his words, not mines) their way into his family and he first needed to make sure I didn’t want anything from the.

My reaction: Disbelief!!! Anger!!! Excitement!!! All rolled in one....the audacity of this man to approach me as if I am some money0hungry, broke, and dissolute child that is in search for a handout. Absolutely not, I have never nor will I ever want anything from this family besides the truth....and maybe acceptance (Still working on a definitive conclusion about that one.). Needless to say, I took several deep breaths, shot up a quick prayer and begin to respond as eloquently as possible. I of course included my college education, multiple degrees, and pursuit of an M.D. (still in the making). I spoke of my lovely family that I was blessed with and concluded it by telling him I LOVE my family, I’m content with them...but I have a childish aspiration to find people who I actually look like...that’s all I wanted...it’s all I’ve ever wanted.

After what seemed like an eternity...he replied. He told me that he remembered his parents talking about me years ago and he stayed out it because it was grown folks business. He said his brother had been in trouble and had been shipped off to avoid causing his parents anymore headaches. He said he didn’t keep in touch with his brother, but figured he was still in Georgia somewhere, but he didn’t know for sure. He said he remembered once meeting another young mother who said she had a child with his brother but he did not keep in touch. I now believe that he is talking about me because I remember my mother saying she gave a picture of me to one of his brothers a long time ago.

He concluded the letter by telling me we should take it slow and not rush anything. I replied and thanked him for his reply and then there was NOTHING...not one other word....this man proceeded to add me as a friend and I checked several months later and he had deleted me....

That pain...was worse than being ignored....why would someone do that? I thought that was unusually cruel and coldhearted. I guess it was foolish of me to think this man who had never met me would embrace me as his niece. I just figured I would never turn my back on someone who said they were family. I convinced myself that his slow must be a different kind of slow, but now...two years later...unless this man has snails as distant relatives....he’s officially the slowest man on earth.......

I'm The Family Secret

As I briefly mentioned in my previous post. My biological family is a family of great reputation in our city. They have a family business that has been around longer than I have been alive and they host several philanthropic events each year in the city. I can’t help, but wonder if that is the reason they so easily allowed me to walk out of their lives when I was a baby. Many who know the family well talk about them being a part of the “upper crest” population in the city...whatever that means....it’s always burned me when people said that!!!! Who still believes in societal classes anymore...well wait a minute....societal classes are what all the bickering is about between the right-wing and left-wing politicians. So, I guess they do exist. Anyways, my biological family is a group of well-educated, giving people, whom are God-fearing, with a great reputation in the community...that seem to have a tight-knit family...besides my exclusion that is.

But, I have lived for 10 years now with the realization that I have grandparents that live roughly ten minutes from my house...that have never bothered to inquire about me. Some people who I have talked with, have hinted to the idea that acknowledgement of my existence would bring shame towards the family and somehow tarnish their squeaky clean reputation. To me that equals BULL!!!

So, all in all I headed the warning the universe was giving me and concluded that God kept these people out of my life for a reason so I should just trust him!!!!

However, my unwavering trust in God did not halt my curiosity. I tried just goggling the names my mom gave me, but that led to nothing but dead-ends and sites you have to pay for information. And this may seem harsh or cruel, but I did not feel like this family that was unwelcoming to me deserved for me to PAY to find them. So, I just let things go again and wrote countless letters to my biological paternal grandmother in the hopes of one day knocking on her door and handing her the letter and politely getting out of dodge. However, that dream never manifested. Instead I cowardly drafted letter after letter, never thinking any of them would convince this women, viewed as a saint by most, that I was worthy enough of being of her lineage. I honestly felt like a peasant trying to convince royalty that I was of noble blood.

Those thoughts have thankfully subsided and I am able to see now that whether I meet her or never meet her...my worth is validated in my good works and quite frankly me being a child of GOD!!!! HE and HE alone...validates me!!!!!

~~~Okay ....I’m stepping out of the pulpit and will continue with the story....

So, finally after seeing that Facebook offered much more than connecting with old high school friends...I begin to think....if I search the last name of my biological father maybe I can find him....NOPE, I was wrong. I tried possible nicknames and abbreviations and they all led to NADA!!! So then I thought...maybe I can search for people with the same last name as his, from my city....send a generic message and maybe I’ll get a couple helpful responses...CHECK!!! Ding, ding, ding...We have a winner! My message went something like this:

   Do you know anyone named_____? Do you have an uncle, cousin, father, brother, nephew, or family member named (My father’s name) or (My grandfather’s name).

Surely the vagueness of my message should spark curiosity or at least a message from someone saying, “Stay off my page., you lunatic!”

Most responses either said they had no idea and asked me I was curious, some stated they were distant cousins and knew of them, but did not know them personally. Dead end after dead end after dead end....my frustration level was at an all time high.

During this time I was on the scariest, fastest, emotional roller coaster of my life. I was angrier and excited about the possibility of additional family, Most often, I would spend hours crying at my apartment, trying to figure out why this was happening to me. Why did I have to be a bastard child...why did I have to carry the brunt of finding my family, while my mom still went on about her days and she was the one that got me into this mess....and she couldn’t even help? Often times I tell my boyfriend that I felt like I was talking to a teenage version of my mother when I talked to her about the situation. Having me at 19, legally made her an adult, but the way she handled my situation then and now still made her seem like a cloudy, teenager, frantic about the mess she got herself into. My dad, who I call dad and always will, was her saving grace. He provided an alibi for my mother when the time came for me to realize what a father was and gave me the allusion I came from a young romance that eventually became a marriage. It was decided for my protection the true identity of my father would never be revealed and I would live life thinking “my daddy” was actually my biological father.

How my mom and biological father did meet...is still a mystery to me....I don’t think my mom has ever divulged the details of their meeting.  Note to self: Ask my mother this question ASAP!!!!

So, with no luck coming from Facebook...I went back to writing letters to nowhere that included accolades and praises of myself, but again I never delivered them.

Then one day, a year and a half later....I received a Facebook message...from my biological uncle....