As I briefly mentioned in my previous post. My biological
family is a family of great reputation in our city. They have a family business
that has been around longer than I have been alive and they host several philanthropic
events each year in the city. I can’t help, but wonder if that is the reason
they so easily allowed me to walk out of their lives when I was a baby. Many
who know the family well talk about them being a part of the “upper crest”
population in the city...whatever that means....it’s always burned me when
people said that!!!! Who still believes in societal classes anymore...well wait
a minute....societal classes are what all the bickering is about between the
right-wing and left-wing politicians. So, I guess they do exist. Anyways, my
biological family is a group of well-educated, giving people, whom are God-fearing,
with a great reputation in the community...that seem to have a tight-knit
family...besides my exclusion that is.
But, I have lived for 10 years now with the realization that
I have grandparents that live roughly ten minutes from my house...that have
never bothered to inquire about me. Some people who I have talked with, have
hinted to the idea that acknowledgement of my existence would bring shame
towards the family and somehow tarnish their squeaky clean reputation. To me
that equals BULL!!!
So, all in all I headed the warning the universe was giving
me and concluded that God kept these people out of my life for a reason so I
should just trust him!!!!
However, my unwavering trust in God did not halt my
curiosity. I tried just goggling the names my mom gave me, but that led to
nothing but dead-ends and sites you have to pay for information. And this may
seem harsh or cruel, but I did not feel like this family that was unwelcoming
to me deserved for me to PAY to find them. So, I just let things go again and
wrote countless letters to my biological paternal grandmother in the hopes of
one day knocking on her door and handing her the letter and politely getting
out of dodge. However, that dream never manifested. Instead I cowardly drafted
letter after letter, never thinking any of them would convince this women, viewed
as a saint by most, that I was worthy enough of being of her lineage. I
honestly felt like a peasant trying to convince royalty that I was of noble
blood.
Those thoughts have thankfully subsided and I am able to see
now that whether I meet her or never meet her...my worth is validated in my
good works and quite frankly me being a child of GOD!!!! HE and HE alone...validates
me!!!!!
~~~Okay ....I’m stepping out of the pulpit and will continue
with the story....
So, finally after seeing that Facebook offered much more
than connecting with old high school friends...I begin to think....if I search
the last name of my biological father maybe I can find him....NOPE, I was
wrong. I tried possible nicknames and abbreviations and they all led to NADA!!!
So then I thought...maybe I can search for people with the same last name as
his, from my city....send a generic message and maybe I’ll get a couple helpful
responses...CHECK!!! Ding, ding, ding...We have a winner! My message went
something like this:
Do
you know anyone named_____? Do you have an uncle, cousin, father, brother,
nephew, or family member named (My father’s name) or (My grandfather’s name).
Surely the vagueness of my message should spark curiosity or
at least a message from someone saying, “Stay off my page., you lunatic!”
Most responses either
said they had no idea and asked me I was curious, some stated they were distant
cousins and knew of them, but did not know them personally. Dead end after dead
end after dead end....my frustration level was at an all time high.
During this time I was on the scariest, fastest, emotional
roller coaster of my life. I was angrier and excited about the possibility of
additional family, Most often, I would spend hours crying at my apartment,
trying to figure out why this was happening to me. Why did I have to be a
bastard child...why did I have to carry the brunt of finding my family, while
my mom still went on about her days and she was the one that got me into this
mess....and she couldn’t even help? Often times I tell my boyfriend that I felt
like I was talking to a teenage version of my mother when I talked to her about
the situation. Having me at 19, legally made her an adult, but the way she
handled my situation then and now still made her seem like a cloudy, teenager,
frantic about the mess she got herself into. My dad, who I call dad and always
will, was her saving grace. He provided an alibi for my mother when the time
came for me to realize what a father was and gave me the allusion I came from a
young romance that eventually became a marriage. It was decided for my
protection the true identity of my father would never be revealed and I would
live life thinking “my daddy” was actually my biological father.
How my mom and biological father did meet...is still a
mystery to me....I don’t think my mom has ever divulged the details of their meeting.
Note
to self: Ask my mother this question ASAP!!!!
So, with no luck coming from Facebook...I went back to
writing letters to nowhere that included accolades and praises of myself, but
again I never delivered them.
Then one day, a year and a half later....I received a
Facebook message...from my biological uncle....
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